When Helping Hurts: Blurred Boundaries, Burnout, and the Hidden Cost of Caring for Someone with an Eating Disorder.

Introducing guest, Becky Stone..

Meet Becky Stone, a dedicated counsellor specializing in eating disorders. With a warm smile and a direct, honest, and empathetic approach, Becky empowers minds and fosters genuine recovery.

In her office, online or even walk and talk therapy, she creates a comforting space where every client feels heard and supported on their journey towards healing.

For straightforward, compassionate guidance from a specialist who truly understands the challenges of eating disorders, get in touch with Becky Stone at Counsellor Who Cares. https://www.counsellorwhocares.co.uk/

1. The line between care and control gets blurry—fast.

When someone you love is struggling with an eating disorder, it’s natural to want to help in every way you can. You might find yourself doing everything, cooking safe meals, cancelling social plans, reading food labels, tiptoeing around triggers, even managing their medical appointments.

But here’s the uncomfortable truth:

Sometimes, the more we try to help, the more we unintentionally cement the eating disorder in place.

Eating disorders are incredibly secretive. They thrive in hidden spaces, in relationships where guilt and love become tangled, where the illness slowly becomes the main way a person feels seen, supported, or safe.

And when you’re giving all your time and energy to “helping,” without support, it can slowly wear you down until you’re completely burned out.

2. “They need me” can quietly become “I need to be needed”.

This is where the emotional waters get murky. What starts as love and support can slowly tip into co-dependency. You become the lifeline, the one who’s always there. And part of you might feel scared: What happens if I step back? Will they get worse? Will I lose them entirely?

But this dependency works both ways. Without realising it, the person with the eating disorder may begin to fear losing your attention if they get better. It creates confusion, guilt, and sometimes, without anyone meaning to, an unspoken reason not to recover.

3. The Drama Triangle: When roles lock us in.

This dynamic often mirrors what’s called The Drama Triangle—a powerful psychological model.

It has three roles:

• The Rescuer (the one doing everything to help)

• The Victim (the one who feels powerless)

• The Persecutor (sometimes a parent, a therapist, or even the eating disorder itself)

  
  

You pour all your energy into fixing things when you're stuck as the Rescuer. But it can keep your loved one in the role of Victim, someone who doesn’t feel empowered to take steps themselves. And when you inevitably burn out or feel frustrated, you might shift into the Persecutor role (“Why won’t you just try?”), which adds shame to an already fragile system.

This triangle isn’t about blame; it’s about awareness. Once we understand it, we can start stepping out of it.

4. Enabling vs. empowering: a subtle but critical shift.

You might be thinking, But I’m just trying to help. And you are. Truly.

But here’s a hard truth:

When we do everything for someone, we rob them of the opportunity to discover why they want to get better for themselves.

And recovery has to be self-led.

That doesn’t mean walking away. It means shifting the focus. Instead of keeping them “safe” in the eating disorder, we start asking deeper questions:

• What would life look like without this?

• What’s your reason to heal?

• Who are you underneath the illness?

  
  

This is how we start empowering, not enabling.

5. The emotional cost of caring: burnout, guilt, and grief.

If you’re reading this with tears in your eyes or a knot in your stomach, please know you’re not alone.

Supporting someone through an eating disorder can be isolating, exhausting, and heart-breaking. You might grieve the person you once knew. You might feel guilty when you’re angry or tired. You might hide how bad things are because you don’t want to “make it about you.”

But your needs matter too.

Without rest, support, or space, emotional burnout is not just likely, it’s inevitable. And a burnt-out caregiver can’t show up in a truly helpful way. You deserve support just as much as the person you’re helping.

6. So what can you do? The honey pot approach.

You can’t pour from an empty cup, but you can build a honey pot. A small, sweet reserve of wisdom, support, and strength that you can keep returning to.

Here’s what that might look like:

➔ Join a carers’ group like Jenny Langley’s workshops and community support

➔ Read up on eating disorders from sources like BEAT, Carolyn Costin, or Tabitha Farrar

➔ Set small, loving boundaries (e.g. “I will sit with you, but I won’t prepare a second meal”)

➔ Seek your therapy to talk through the fear, grief, and confusion

➔ Create a mantra: They’re allowed to struggle. I’m allowed to rest.

7. You’re not failing. You’re human.

This isn’t about shame. This is about relief. Because once you realise you don’t have to fix it all, you can start to breathe again.

And when you step out of the triangle, when you take care of yourself, something incredible happens:

You model what healthy looks like.

You become a steady presence rather than a burnt-out saviour.

And maybe, just maybe, that’s the spark that helps them believe recovery is possible.

A bit about me.

I’m Becky Stone, a qualified eating disorder therapist based in the UK. I work with teens and adults, offering a calm, non-judgmental space to explore what recovery means, on your terms. With a background in supporting people through anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, and body image struggles, I know how complex and personal this journey can be. I specialise in supporting neurodivergent individuals and carers, and I believe in flexible, shame-free recovery. At the heart of my work is trust, trust in yourself, the process, and the idea that recovery is possible.

https://www.counsellorwhocares.co.uk/

Eating Disorder Treatment: Finding the Right Help

Hi, I’m Becky. I do therapy a little differently. If you’re looking for compassionate, trauma-informed eating disorder treatment in Canterbury, I’m here to support you.. I’m Becky Stone, a therapist who helps teens and adults find food freedom, emotional clarity, and the confidence to recover on your own terms.

www.counsellorwhocares.co.uk