Christmas can look like a postcard for some and feel like a weight for others. If you’re carrying grief, a quiet ache from years of unmet needs, the sting of a recent loss, estrangement from children or parents, the dread of going “home” to a triggering household, sensory overwhelm, illness, or the pressure of money and expectation, you are not failing. You are human. I’ll be honest, I too can find Christmas hard. Some years it feels pressuring, forced, even inauthentic. I’v

Have you ever noticed how one harsh comment can echo louder than ten kind ones? Or how a small mistake seems to stick in your mind longer than all the things you did right? That’s not weakness, it’s part of how the human brain works. We are wired to pay more attention to the negative than the positive, a tendency called negativity bias . This blog isn’t about blaming ourselves for that bias. It’s about understanding why it exists, how it shows up in everyday life, and most im

We all know the feeling of constantly pushing ourselves, chasing the next goal, the next achievement, the next “more.” On the outside, it can look like ambition or drive. But underneath, there are often quieter stories shaping that urge, stories about who we are, what we’re worth, and how we believe life should be lived. This blog isn’t about judging that striving or shaming ourselves for it. Instead, it’s about gently exploring the beliefs that fuel it, noticing where they h

For many, the idea of “feeling your feelings” sounds simple in theory but can feel impossible in practice. Trauma, stress, or years of coping can leave us unsure how to connect with what’s happening inside. Sometimes the body feels frightening. Sometimes emotions feel too big, too fast, or too confusing. And sometimes we’ve simply never been shown how to feel safely. When Chronic Illness Complicates Feeling For those living with chronic illness, this challenge is even more co

The Office Canvas ..Unknown Author. When we begin exploring distress intolerance, it helps to have a simple visual. The canvas on my wall offers that starting point, a simple visual of the basic stages, fight, flight, freeze, and returning to the window of tolerance. Of course, it doesn’t capture every nuance, such as fawn, functional freeze, or flop, but it provides the essential framework. From there, we can improvise and expand, adding layers of understanding as your self‑

We often ask ourselves, Why am I the way I am?  The truth is, none of us arrive here fully formed. We are shaped by layers of experience, relationships, and environments that leave lasting imprints on who we become. Early Influences Attachment:   The way we were cared for teaches us how safe it feels to trust others. Secure attachment fosters confidence and openness, while inconsistent or neglectful care can leave us anxious, avoidant, or unsure of our worth. Values:   What w

During COVID, digital contact became the norm. For many of us, it was the only way to stay in touch. Texts, video calls, likes, and quick replies replaced face‑to‑face presence. At the time, it was necessary. But I feel some of those habits have stayed, even now. That can mean different things, sometimes we’re anxious, sometimes we’re avoiding, sometimes we’re simply overwhelmed. Digital connection feels easier, less demanding, and less vulnerable. But if we’re honest, it oft

You Are So Lazy! .....Stop Being Lazy!!.... Sound Familiar?? It’s a phrase (amongst many others) many of us have heard, from parents, teachers, bosses, or even from ourselves. It isn’t feedback or guidance; it’s judgment. And when repeated often enough, especially in childhood, it echoes for years. Instead of describing a moment, it becomes an identity, something we carry, something that shapes how we see ourselves. As a counsellor, I’m mindful about what I share. Personal di

Bullying, the effects on adults and children.

We often think people naturally choose comfort, peace, or happiness. But in reality, many of us stay in situations that hurt us, not because we enjoy them, but because they feel familiar. The reason is simple: the brain and nervous system don’t chase pleasure first. They chase predictability. The Brain and Nervous System Love Patterns The brain’s main job is survival. It constantly scans for patterns so it can prepare for what’s coming. The nervous system carries those signal

Let’s face it, parenting/caregiving, doesn’t come with an instruction manual. Trust me, my husband even asked for one on the way out of the hospital twenty years ago. The nurse gave him a look that said, “I’ve heard this too many times!” Now, my child is a grown man. Looking back, I realise how much of parenting/caregiving is about showing up, not perfectly, not with all the answers, but with presence. I found it hard, I wasn't modelled it, and I know how much I would have be

Have you ever felt like you’re moving through life on autopilot, as if you’re there, but not really present ? I know that feeling too. Sometimes it’s like watching yourself from the outside, or the world around you feels strangely distant, almost dreamlike. Other times, you may catch yourself realising you've lost track of time or can’t quite remember what just happened. These moments can be unsettling, but they’re also more common than many people realise. This experience ha

What Is a Loop? A loop is the cycle that keeps a habit running automatically. It’s often called the habit loop , a behavioural loop , or an automatic pattern . A loop looks like this: Cue (Trigger):  Something happens, stress, fear, boredom, a thought, or the sense that someone might judge us. Routine (Behaviour):   We act automatically, cleaning, scrolling, eating, distracting ourselves. Reward (Relief):  We feel comfort, control, distraction, or calm. The reward is powerful

Forgiveness is one of the most powerful and misunderstood human experiences. It’s often portrayed as a moral obligation, a spiritual badge of honour, or the “right” way to heal. But the truth is more complicated. Forgiveness can be liberating, but it can also feel impossible, inappropriate, or even unsafe. I remember once being deeply hurt by someone I trusted. It wasn’t something small like forgetting my birthday, (Although that does hurt) it was a betrayal that shook me to

Crying and its uses

Writing this felt unexpectedly difficult because I was trying to hold two truths at once, that the boundary against social contact is a necessary, non‑personal rule, applied by our governing body (BACP) and that hearing it can land like a small, painful rejection for someone who’s already begun to trust. I paused often, thinking about the clients who ask, “Can we grab a coffee?” or wonder if warmth might become friendship and wanted to explain the rule clearly without soundin

The pause is a small, simple habit that makes a big difference. It’s the tiny moment you take before reacting, a breath, a count, a short break, that gives you space to notice what’s happening inside and choose a response that feels right, not just automatic. Why it helps Calms strong emotions  so they don’t drive your actions. Protects relationships  by reducing impulsive words or behaviours you might later regret. Improves decisions  because a little time lets you think mor

Parts of you.. We all carry stories, some beautiful, some painful. For many, trauma or a life-changing diagnosis becomes a defining chapter. But what happens when that chapter starts to feel like the entire book? When the pain we’ve endured or the label we’ve been given begins to shape how we see ourselves, speak about ourselves, and move through the world? Through my own self-awareness journey, I became incredibly skilled at understanding my pain. I could name it, trace it,

Why we feel broken and why we’re not You are not broken. You were exposed to hard, abnormal experiences that asked your body and mind to survive in ways they weren’t built for long-term. The responses you carry now are not failures but sensible, loyal adaptations that helped you keep going. The work isn’t about “fixing” you into someone else; it’s about giving your nervous system steady, repeated signals of safety, being seen, and being valued so the parts of you that retreat

What is "Living in Survival" in Therapy Terms?